We receive many letters, and we read most of them, or at least lie on them. This month’s letter comes from a client named Mrs Dumpling, a long haired grey cat of firm views, who wishes to know why her savings were moved.
Dear Whisker Wealth Management, I opened my account last spring with a modest deposit of four biscuits. Last week I came to check my balance and found that my account has been relocated to a sunbeam on the landing. I was not consulted. The sunbeam is lovely, but I should like an explanation. Yours, Mrs D. Dumpling.
Our reply
Dear Mrs Dumpling,
Thank you for your letter and for your four biscuits, which we remember fondly. We regret any distress caused by the relocation. We can confirm that your account was moved on the advice of our Asset Placement Committee, which consists of one cat, who has been awake for a short time.
Why the sunbeam?
Our research shows that assets perform best when kept warm. A cold biscuit is a sad biscuit. A warm biscuit is a content one. The sunbeam on the landing offers excellent conditions between ten and two, and then a gradual decline as the light moves to the stairs.
What you may expect
- Your account will move with the sun, to remain in the warmest position
- At two in the afternoon it will be found on the stairs
- At four it will be found in the hallway, near the radiator
- By evening it will have returned to the sofa, where it began
We call this an Active Strategy. Others might call it wandering. We prefer our term.
Your four biscuits
We can confirm that four biscuits remain in your account. We cannot confirm that they are all biscuits. One appears to have become a leaf. We believe this is natural growth.
Next steps
If you would like your account returned to its original position, you are welcome to sit on it. Many clients choose this option, and it is generally effective, as no one will challenge a cat sitting on their own assets.
Sir Reginald asked me to add a personal line: ‘The sunbeam is a sound place. I have been in it myself.’ He has been in it since morning.
With regards,
Client Services, Whisker Wealth Management
This is a parody, and none of it is financial advice.
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