Dear Clients,
On behalf of the board, it is my pleasure to present the Whisker Wealth Management annual report. Please note that this report is a joke, and that nothing in it is financial advice. We are cats. We have no licence. We have a warm spot by the radiator and an unearned confidence.
The year in brief
Last year the firm achieved what our founder, Sir Reginald Fluffington, calls a ‘disciplined inactivity’. We did not chase trends. We did not time the market. We did not move, in many cases, for several days. Our approach is to find a sunny patch and wait for the sun to do the work.
Key figures
- Treats held at year start: 214
- Treats held at year end: 209
- Treats lost to a clerical error involving the vice chairman: 5
- Naps taken per partner per day: 7.4, an increase on the previous year
- Hours spent in meetings: 11, of which 9 were sleeping
Performance commentary
Our flagship Gentle Slumber Fund returned a steady warm feeling. Our Aggressive Growth Fund returned a small amount of fur on the carpet. Our Retirement Plan, which consists of a cushion, a bowl and a view of a bird feeder, has outperformed expectations.
Risk factors
The firm wishes to draw attention to several risks identified by our Chief Risk Officer, a nervous tortoiseshell named Penny:
- Sudden loud noises
- The vacuum cleaner, which has been downgraded to Highly Speculative
- Any box that is too small
- Any box that is too large
- Rain
Looking ahead
In the coming year the firm will continue its prudent course. We will sit. We will observe. We will occasionally lick a paw and consider the market. If a bird lands near the window, we will respond with measured excitement and a brief chatter. We regard this as a liquidity event.
Closing statement
Sir Reginald asked that I thank every client for their trust, which has been paid for in treats and kept in a safe place under the sofa. He asked me to remind you that past performance is no guarantee of future performance, and that our past performance consisted mostly of a nap.
Yours attentively,
The Board of Whisker Wealth Management
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