Every investor eventually has the same unsettling thought: ‘Has my portfolio been sat on?’ Fear not. This guide helps you decide, and provides some comfort, mostly in the form of fur.
1. It is warm
If you open your portfolio folder and it is unusually warm, a cat has been in it. Cats are heat seeking and will take a place on any paper that has been lying near a radiator. Your documents are now a bed, and the bed is not insured.
2. It has a dent
Look closely at the top page. If there is a round depression about the size of a loaf, you have been sat on. A dent of this kind is known in the industry as a Position. It is a good sign, in that the cat is secure. It is a bad sign, in that you are not.
3. There is fur between the pages
Fur is evidence. A single hair is a coincidence. A tuft is a pattern. A full layer of ginger fluff between your balance sheet and your tax return suggests that someone has been reviewing your holdings with their entire body.
4. A page is missing
Your cat may have taken a page. This is not theft. This is an asset transfer. The page is now in a hidden place, along with the others, and will remain there until the cat finds a better use for it, which will be never.
5. The cat looks smug
This is the clearest sign. If your cat looks at you with an expression of quiet satisfaction, you have been sat on and you have been audited. The cat has examined your finances and found them acceptable. This is the highest praise available.
What to do
- Do not move the cat
- Do not move the portfolio
- Back up your documents, ideally somewhere without a lap
- Consider a second desk
Final word
This is a parody and not financial advice. Please keep real documents in a real folder, in a real cabinet, away from real cats. Our own cabinet has been sat on for years, and we are still working out what we own.
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